Contemplations
Saucy Cyborg
I'm writing this out as I just finished listening to probably 2 hours worth of music. Not, just any music, but those songs that have a way of making you think. In my case this time, it made me think about this journey I've been on. The ups, downs, and in between.
A Childhood Not Regretted
Thinking way back into my childhood years, I first started playing games with the original Gameboy, playing Pokémon Yellow. I used to think my Dad was so much harsher than most parents, because I would see other kids my age get to play video games whenever they wanted, they'd be allowed to go out out to their friends houses, and they just didn't seem to have a leash. Whereas my gametime was limited to maybe a couple hours if I was lucky. No late nights on a school week, and bedtime was extended by an hour on the weekend. I wanted that freedom my friends from school had, but looking back I'm glad I didn't get it. I was raised with a time limit on games, I had to do my homework first and show it to my parents in order to be allowed to play the games, playing outside meant don't go past the driveway. There was no such thing as an allowance. There was a belief that if you got told to do something, there was no reward for doing it, and if you argued, there most definitely was a punishment that involved either belts or switches. Out of my siblings, I was the quickest to learn, and I respected the hell out of my parents. but yeah, looking back... I wouldn't have changed the way I was raised even the tiniest bit. We struggled as a family, but we pulled through and we were happy.
The Loss of Loved Ones
When I was 15 or 16, my oldest brother introduced me to my first PC game, Neverwinter Nights. We spent hours in that game, and then we played Guild Wars. We played early days of World of Warcraft, played Starcraft even. and that was how we bonded. A few years back I lost my brother when he committed suicide. It came as a huge shock to the whole family since he seemed to be doing just fine. I remember when my Dad called me to let me know, I laughed at first, I genuinely thought he was just pulling one of his pranks on me. My world fell out from under me. It hit me particularly hard because of how I was always told as a kid that I was "following in your brothers footsteps and your going to turn out just like him" and that was because he was one of the more rebellious siblings in my family. At that time, I put my all into games. I took every chance I could to escape reality; to escape the fact that he was gone. It took me a while to find my normal after that, and to find peace in my positivity.
The Root of Real Life Stress
When you think of what's stressing you out, what is the first thing that comes to mind? For me, I've noticed that 99% of my stress is branched from financial things. In my opinion (without scientific experimentation and such) I feel comfortable saying that most problems, even bigger ones, are branched off of some sort of financial stressor. When I started streaming, it wasn't to make money. Honestly, I thought the getting paid to play video games was a joke at the time. I mean, even now, I don't make anything at all here lately, but I'm good with that. I started streaming shortly after my brother passed away because I blamed myself for not being there for him, so I wanted to do my best to be there for anyone who ever needed someone to talk to. I wanted to be able to bring viewers into whatever fantasy I was in at the time, where they could breathe and forget about their Real Life problems, at least momentarily. With how I got raised, I learned how to live "just getting by" and that's always been my comfort zone. Whenever I got 'extra' funds, I'd find someone who needed it more than me. I'm not great with money if I am being honest... and that's why I don't let my streaming become about the money. I mean I got a tip page, and I accept bits and subs and such... but I don't even mention it. I've always been great at giving away, even if it hurt me. It is a bit of a struggle for me to accept gifts though.
IRL B4 URL
Now, I know you guys are going to hear me say this a lot. Mudd from the K.O.C drilled it into my head well enough, and here is the reason. As a streamer, it's easy to start focusing on your community, and to start looking at them like a family that you are responsible for. At that point, it's easy to forget to take care of yourself. Mainly, your own mental health. In my case, joining the KOC stream team taught me that. KOC has always been big on "IRL B4 URL" because your own health is 100% priority. That's why my own stream schedule is somewhat erratic. I never know if the wife is going to need me to go somewhere for her, or just sit and talk with her some, or if I need to go run some errands... and she is always my top priority. We recently (a few months back) found out that we are expecting a little one, so since then life has most definitely kept me on my toes, but that's perfectly fine. I'm extremely happy about it, and super proud of her for handling things the way she has. I mainly bring this up because there could be weeks that I just can't stream, or I can't make a post here, so I don't want my readers to think that I've given up and such... I just will always put life first, and yes, I will be updating my journey along the way.
The Results
In the end here, it boils down to these few points that I wanted to make clear.
- Life life with no regrets. Never wish for the greener grass, because it could just be an illusion.
- Don't take life for granted. Always make sure your last conversation with a loved one ends on a happy note, because you never know when you won't get that chance again.
- Always put your own real life priorities above those online. If you get trash talked or guilt tripped for not being available when friends want you to be, find new friends.
Thank you guys for taking the time to check in on me and read my post today.
Much Love.
♥Saucy♥
